How can I be with you, when I can’t even be with myself?

“Don’t be so needy.”

Has anyone ever said this to you?

All of us feel deprived at different stages in our life, in different contexts and situations. The intensity may differ but the nature of the emotion remains the same. It is very commonly experienced in relationships, when one ponderously starts depending on the company of the other. The dependency further extends to undefined emotional support and vague approvals.

With time, this neediness gets really overwhelming and takes total control of our life. We spend a significant amount of time pleasing someone else, when that is not what relationships are all about. Insecurity owns us. Insecurity acts like a dictator and makes us do things which are not true to our nature. It isn’t very fulfilling, is it? It is a trap. Happiness becomes conditional and you become powerless. Your well-being is then totally dependent on an external source.

Long story short - Being needy is not a very healthy way of living life.

So, what is the solution?

What can be the practical steps of alleviating this kind of suffering?

While there can be many ways of approaching this, I am going to talk about Meditation.

As you start to meditate, you start making time for yourself. You make an effort to be in your own company. The very action of making time for yourself is powerful!

Your mind has been craving to tell you stories. Be conscious of your being. Make time to hear those stories. Initially, it can get difficult to be alone and it can leave you feeling uncomfortable. But once you start getting more disciplined about this practise, being with oneself gets easier and comforting. As you become more and more aware of your thoughts and experiences, the insecurities, the stress, the suffering starts to settle down.

Simple meditations like breathing meditations give us courage. Open awareness helps us to be aware of our reflections and feelings. With time, we come to realize that observation of the breath has the capability of providing bliss and happiness. Open awareness helps us understand the fleeting nature of things and we get wiser.

With time, one can make a transition from -

“I hope he meets me today, otherwise I will be really sad.”
to

“Hey, maybe I will spend time with myself today.”

Meditation offers that much needed solitude. With time, we understand the futility of depending on the approval of others. The dependence on conditional happiness reduces steadily and we make a move towards a more sustainable form of happiness.

         How can I be with you, when I can’t even be with myself?

Start being “ok” in your company.
Let your self-acceptance bring you happiness and peace.
Be free, be liberated.

Movement masks suffering

The inspiration behind this blog comes from the great Meditation teacher, Joseph Goldstein. I was listening to one of his talks, where he explained a very interesting concept - “Movement masks Dukkha”. (‘Dukkha’ in the Pali means suffering).

According to him, every ‘movement’ that we do, is to get rid of a suffering of some kind. For example, if we decide to sit all day, within a few minutes we would get uncomfortable. To push away this discomfort (mask this suffering), we would feel the need to stand. Eventually, even standing for a while would make us uncomfortable and we might get an urge to lie down. Movement masks Dukkha. Movement distracts us from our suffering. It is easier to indulge in a movement, than facing the discomfort. Please note that in the context of this blog, the word “movement” will stand for “a distraction that is created to avert suffering”.

Now, this would have been good news, only if this distraction could dissolve our discomfort from its roots. It does not. Distraction just gives us a temporary relief by taking our mind off what we feel in that particular moment. If we decide to pamper the mind with one distraction after another, eventually the mind gets addicted to these distractions. This amplifies our stress and thus our suffering. We get into that rut of finding a new distraction all the time. Being with yourself becomes more and more difficult. Although the intensity may differ from person to person, we are all trying to mask our “dukkha” in one way or the other. Even while writing this blog, I have had the urge of checking my mails, adding new songs in my playlist and watching the next episode of The Walking Dead.

These movements can be simple movements that we do without awareness. This includes actions like continuously tapping the feet, checking the cell phone too frequently, opening and closing the pen cap, smoking, etc. Most of the time, our awareness is so low, that we don't even realise that we are indulging in such movements. How many times has it happened, that you are tapping your feet involuntarily and your friend brings it to your notice?

Now sometimes, we resort to a more complex and a more dangerous distraction plan. These movements can also originate out of a deeply formed habit pattern. A lot of times we come across “workaholics” who have chosen to bury themselves deep in their work, as a way to distract themselves. If your workaholic habits have originated from intense passion, then that’s good news. But one can’t deny that many a times, lot of us drown ourselves with work to run away from ourselves. People suffering from substance abuse also fall into this category. A few of us are constantly drawn to the habit of multitasking. Basically, any habit pattern that keeps you away from yourself, falls into this category.

Awareness!
That is what we need. Awareness. As a simple exercise, one could snap out of the thinking mind at different times in the day, just to analyse how one feels. Stress? Worry? What is the pre-dominant emotion being experienced? For long term distractions, we need to dig deep and ask ourselves a simple question - “Is my passion just a distraction? Or is it something that I really want to do?”
We need to spend more time with ourselves.

Believe me, creativity is not born out of these distractions. These distractions are far from fulfilling. This is a mere activity to keep us away from our present awareness. Distractions are not wholesome. How can we expect to create something beautiful from a habit pattern which is stress driven? To create something meaningful, the source needs to be something pure, natural and unadulterated.

We are not enlightened beings and it is natural to resort to these distractions. However, the extent to which we depend on these has to be steadily reduced. This can only happen through awareness.

Awareness, like always, is the key here. :)

Awareness and Uprooting

As an amateur meditator, I get this question often -

“You have been meditating for a few months now. How do you think it has changed you?”

Well, here you go. Through this blog I will emphasize on one change that I am experiencing after just a few months of meditation.

Let me try to explain that -

To begin with, there is a significant change in my awareness. Obviously, I wouldn't brag of having a total control over my thoughts, but my awareness about my thoughts and my emotions has certainly increased. There are moments in the day when I snap out of the “thinking mind”, and make a note of what I am actually thinking.

Awareness helps. Awareness helps me to analyse the quality of my thoughts. Majorly it helps me categorize my thoughts into 2 broad types -

1. Unwholesome thoughts (Bad guys)
2. Wholesome thoughts (Good guys)

Let me explain what these 2 types are.

Wholesome thoughts are the good guys. These thoughts which revolve around the betterment of myself and everyone else.

Unwholesome thoughts are the bad guys. These thoughts do NOT revolve around the betterment of myself and everyone else. Thoughts of hatred, jealousy, insecurities, etc. fall into this category.

Some examples of wholesome thoughts are -

1. I feel good today morning, I should exercise!
2. My colleague has been really helpful. Wonder why he is upset. Hope he deals with his problems soon :)
3. Writing this blog is so much fun!

Some examples of un-wholesome thoughts are -

1. I have so much work to do. I don't think I will be able to complete this in time.
2. She was rude to me! How dare she speak to me like that? Arghhh!
3. Why doesn’t family ever understand me?

Long story short - Unwholesome thoughts create suffering. They make sure that we are caught in an unpleasant loop where we keep on chewing the uncomfortable thought again and again and again and again. To achieve freedom from this loop, it is essential that the thought is uprooted.

Now uprooting a thought does not mean that we resort to positive affirmations, because that will just be merely suppressing it. This is where I think “positive thinking” has it’s limitations. Uprooting means that we let go of the thought completely. Period. The “letting go” action must ensure that even the basic roots of the thoughts are removed from our system.

Coming back to my own experience, I have experienced that whenever I become aware of the thought, it helps me to reflect on it. How can you let go of the suffering if you are not aware that you are suffering? Awareness is the first step. It is like half the battle won.

Now, meditation develops this wisdom inside you. This wisdom is your protector. The mind is like Gotham city...chaotic. The wisdom is Batman! As the meditative practise keeps getting stronger, so does the wisdom component. After the awareness step, wisdom steps in, reflection takes place. In this reflection, I realise the futility of the thought. I realise that it is my own ego which is the cause of all the misery. And then the wisdom speaks. It says “Enough. This is unwholesome. You don't need it. Enough”.

I am obviously trying to dramatize the whole experience. But I hope you get my point.

To sum it up - awareness and uprooting are the 2 major findings for me, after the limited amount of time that I have spent in meditation.

As human beings, we are far from being omniscient. But, there is always a possibility to take baby-steps to free ourselves from the misery and suffering.

We all need to meditate guys :)

The first step towards liberation......

It sucks to feel sad and miserable. It really does. The suffering is immense and the pain, unmeasurable. Whenever we get sad, the mind desperately starts looking for ways to push away the pain. So what is a quick fix to get rid of this pain? What is the one thing which brings instant relief? Simple! Blame someone or something else for your pain!

Why is it easy to blame someone else for your suffering?

The mind is smart...or should I say that the ego is smart. Ego wants to protect your image, albeit in your own eyes. Ego is like our own bodyguard. Ego doesn't want us to take the burden of being the cause of that uneasiness. Pushing the responsibility of your misery to some external factor is very tempting. The mind knows that when the blame is pushed to someone or something else, the burden is slightly lightened. The pain finally finds some kind of an outlet. Finally, one can start pushing it away.

Why is not taking responsibility of your own misery a bad idea?

Whenever one decides to blame some other person/persons, the disappointment gets translated into anger. Now that anger will ensure that animosity is developed towards the person who you think has been responsible. This animosity can lead to fights, confrontation, permanent hatred, and in some extreme cases, it can also lead to violence.

But more importantly, the habit of blaming the external factors isn’t allowing you to grow as a person. The next time a similar situation arises, you will react the same way… you are not developing your equanimity with the uneasiness but seeking an easy way out. Instead of a quick fix, a more permanent solution is necessary. It’s similar to taking an aspirin, every time you get a headache. Are you fixing the root cause of the headache?

Take responsibility!

By now, it’s pretty clear what I wish to put forth here. It’s imperative for our own growth that we start taking responsibility for our pain. It is the first step to liberation. You need to develop equanimity, you need to be in a position where you can be okay when such situations arise in the future. How can we develop equanimity when we are not even acknowledging that the cause of the pain lies within? We need to understand that both - happiness and sadness - are inside of us. There is no point blaming external circumstances for it. Now, I am not saying that taking responsibility will instantly convert the unhappiness to joy. But yes, it will indeed be the first step towards liberation from that suffering.

Someone was rude to you. It hurts. It is irrelevant if the rude behaviour was justified or not. Isnt it your fault that even after 3 days you are still upset about it and blaming the person for your misery? You are still living in the past, whereas the person who was rude to you might just be watching re-runs of Modern Family. I am not justifying the behaviour of the person that hurt you, I am also not saying that the situation was fair. The only take-away that I want to give is - Eventually, you have to start taking responsibility of the turmoil happening inside you. Only then can you start dealing with it.

Pushing away the responsibility is easy…. carrying it, isn't. Taking responsibility when you are already going through pain..it's brave..it's courageous. It seems like a difficult thing to do. However, when one takes that step, there is an instant relief. There is an odd sense of peace that takes over. The action of locating the uneasiness inside you, ensures that you dont blame in the outer world for it….which is very relieving. Why? Because the problem is inside! You dont have to move from person to person to seek relief to the pain that you are experiencing! The answer lies within!

As one develops this habit, a very strong wisdom starts developing within you. As this wisdom getting stronger, you become more and more capable of uprooting defilements… you become more equipped at being equanimous even with the most difficult situations. You develop more compassion.

So the next time you feel low….take responsibility.

Spiritual lessons from Star Wars

Star Wars is one of my favorite movie series. I am a big fan of the light saber fights, the space travels, the space-shootings and the weird languages that some of the creatures use. There was no chance that I was to miss the new one in the series - Star Wars: The Force Awakens. But before I went to see this one, I thought of revisiting the older episodes first. But this time, watching the movies was a different experience. The movies were the same, the experience… different.

With my new-found love for meditation, and my old love for spirituality flourishing all the time, I watched all the episodes from a - for the lack of a better word- spiritual angle. I realised that even though all of this happened “in a galaxy far far away”, this series gives us all some very important spiritual lessons.

So below are the lessons that I believe George Lucas has tried to convey through this epic series. There are many others as well, but these are the ones that I think are worth mentioning here.

1. The Present Moment

You gotta love Qui-Gon. Here’s a conversation that takes place at the very start in The Phantom Menace -

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I have a bad feeling about this.

Qui-Gon Jinn: I don't sense anything.

Kenobi: It's not about the mission, Master. It's something... elsewhere. Elusive.

Qui-Gon: Don't center on your anxieties, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.

Kenobi: But Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future.

Qui-Gon: But not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, young Padawan.

This is a classic lesson of wisdom from Qui-Gon. Our mind always has the habit of venturing into the future, and thinking of all the possible conclusions that can come out of the present situation. Sometimes, the mind tends to explore the positive outputs, while during the other times, the mind starts thinking about the possible sad endings to the story. In this case, Obi-Wan is letting off his mind wander into the future.

It is funny that this type of “thinking” hardly leads to any fruitful outcome. Most of the scenarios that your mind architects never come true. However, the present moment is royally screwed when you have been trying to predict the future. A wandering mind, is an unhappy mind.

The bottomline - It is necessary, absolutely necessary to train your mind to live in the present moment. That is the ultimate bliss, and a true path to well being.

2. The discomfort of the unknown

Remember that scene when Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are going travelling through a submarine(or whatever you call it) to rescue Queen Amidala?

Jar Jar Binks: Where wesa goin?

Qui-Gon Jinn: Don't worry. The Force will guide us.

Jar Jar’s mild uneasiness very aptly demonstrates the “anxious” nature of the human mind. The mind is scared of the “unknown”. The “known” is good, it is comforting. But the “unknown” is uncomfortable. The mind wants to know the answers all the time. It needs a plan. Without a plan, without the final output in mind, the mind becomes extremely impatient and distressed.

Qui-Gon’s reply here, is again so frigging full of wisdom. Even Qui-Gon doesn't know the exact path yet, but he is at peace with that. He is okay with not knowing it, because he believes that “The Force” will eventually lead them to the right place.

We live in an age, where the parents of a 6th standard kid start making plans sending the poor guy to IIT after his 12th standard. We are always expected to have a plan. Absence of a plan has become an equivalent to getting screwed. But it is a well known fact that the future can’t be controlled. Your plan can be the best in the world, but it just doesn't guarantee the success of it.

It has become imperative for all of us be ok with ‘not knowing’, being at peace with not having a plan. You don’t have to know the answer right now, it will come to you! Get comfortable with the uncomfortable, do not let the mind get better of you with its constant bickering!

3. Change is constant

Next scene -

Anakin wins the race, and is set to leave Tatooine along-with Qui-Gon, and the others. However, he realises that his mother can't accompany them. This is the conversation that takes place -

Anakin Skywalker: “You are coming with us, aren't you Mom?

Shmi Skywalker: Son, my place is here, my future is here. It is time for you to let go.

Anakin: “I don’t want things to change.”

Shmi: “But you can’t stop the change..anymore than you can stop the suns from setting.”

This brings me to the concept of “Impermanence”. Gautam Buddha has stressed on “Anicca” in his teachings which is basically a Pali word for “Impermanence”. Nothing is permanent. But our mind hates change. Change is uncomfortable; it is out of our comfort zone. The mind wants to cling to what is, and avert the change. This quality of our mind is a key cause of our suffering.

Nothing is permanent. It can be difficult to accept this truth, but when you do it is very liberating because the mind ceases getting attached to thoughts, emotions, materialism, people etc.The sooner we accept this truth the less we suffer.

4. Attachment

The next point I want to touch on is “Attachment”, for which I will be taking 2 instances in the film where Anakin is suffering due to his attachment with people close to him.

The first instance is from The Phantom Menace, where Anakin admits in front of the Jedi council that he is missing his mother. Yoda’s wisdom goes to a new level here *drumroll please*

Yoda to Anakin, “Afraid to lose her(Shmi Skywalker), I think?”

Anakin, ”What has that got to do with anything?”

Yoda, “Everything. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I am not going to insert any take-away. This was pretty self-explanatory.

The second instance is from the ‘Revenge of the Sith’, where Anakin decides to have a word with Master Yoda regarding his visions about Padme’s death.

Master Yoda - “Careful you must be when sensing the future, Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.”

Anakin Skywalker - “I won’t let these visions come true Master Yoda.”

Yoda - “Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealously. The shadow of greed, that is.”

Anakin - “What must I do master?”

Yoda - “Train yourself to let go..of everything you fear to lose.”

There is no denying that most of the violence that takes place globally is a direct result of the attachment that our mind has towards people, religion, race, etc. Attachment is something which comes very naturally to our mind. It can lead to fear, jealousy. It can make us do crazy things. Ultimately, it was this attachment which brought down Anakin Skywalker’s downfall.

What do we do? Like Yoda says, it is essential to train our mind to be mindful of our attachment and train it to let it go of attachment. Not only is this liberating for your own self, but also ultimately contributes in making this world a better place!

5. Compassion

So if attachment is a no-no, what is the answer? The answer is compassion.

Taking you to a scene from “Attack of the Clones.”

Padmé:  "Must be difficult having sworn your life to the Jedi.  Not being able to visit the places you like, or do the things you like..."

Anakin: "Or be with the people that I love?"

Padmé: "Are you allowed to love?  I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi."

Anakin: "Attachment is... forbidden.  Possession is forbidden.  Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life... so, you might say, we are encouraged to love."

So yes, although Anakin is being extremely cocky here, the key takeaway from this exchange is that the Jedi are encouraged to practise compassion and so should we. It is high time that the world stops thriving on the hatred, and compassion becomes central to our lives.

6. Un-learning

When Luke sees that his X-Wing is about to sink -

Luke Skywalker: Oh, no! We'll never get it out now!

Yoda: So certain, are you? Always with you, what cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?

Luke: Master, moving stones around is one thing, but this is... totally different!

Yoda: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.

In many philosophies they say that the real job of a Master is to ensure that the disciple loses the things that he/she is NOT!

We have been conditioned right from the moment we were born. Our families, friends, and the society in general have shaped us to become who we are right now. Yes, we value knowledge, but the knowledge we have also limits us. It restricts us from seeing beyond an already set horizon. It hampers our growth. In order to expand our boundaries, we need to forget what we have been taught. We need to un-learn what we have learnt in order to grow as a person.

7. Meditation

The last point that I wanted to touch on was meditation. It is pretty evident from the movies that the Jedi are meditators. In the “Attack of the Clones”, when Master Yoda is puzzled by a situation, this is what he says -

“Meditate on this, I will.” - Master Yoda

Now, I am not going to rant on the importance and benefits of meditation; Google has more than enough articles on that already. The key point that needs to be noted here is that even though it is perfectly natural to feel lost, confused and puzzled, one can come out of this confusion through meditation.

Meditation helps us to clear the mind from the unnecessary garbage thoughts, it allows us to be more attuned to yourself and thus eventually allows us to see things clearly. Meditation gives us the answers.

8. The Force

Lastly, before wrapping it up, I want to talk about The Force.

The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It is a power which is tapped through midi-chlorians,  which are intelligent microscopic life forms that lived symbiotically inside the cells of all living things.

While there can be many interpretations of “The Force”, for me, being aware of The Force, is equivalent to being attuned to yourself. The truth of The Force is the same truth that spiritual leaders, and mystics have tried to tell us. It is the truth which states that we have a false sense of identity, a false ego that we keep carrying and end up living a delusional life. Being attuned with the Force, is being attuned to nature, being one with the whole.

May the Force be With you, they say? I think, the force is already with you. In fact, you are the Force. You just have to quieten your mind to be one with it :)